The opening scene was a little strange with Alice giving directions… a little too much talking, but Alice is always good for the comic stuff. Most of the time I was just remarking to myself about what spectacular teeth Leisha Hailey has. I just… don’t… get Phyllis and Alice, or as they are now known: Phalice. Am I the only one that doesn’t really feel it from Cybill Shepherd? Bless her for wanting the part, but I just don’t get that lesbian vibe from her and she could be Alice’s mom! It just feels awkward watching them together, and I don’t like feeling that way when I’m watching Alice!
Shay gives Shane a flyer with Back To School Night info. Shane is obviously uncomfortable and says she’s “going to try to get to this thing, but I don’t know if I can do this, Shay.” Shay doesn’t really register disappointment or anything on his face. Really, he doesn’t register much on his face ever. I wonder what it’s like to be a little boy on the set of a tv show like that. Would be weird I’d think, and does this kid have parents in real life? I mean, Ilene Chaiken seems a little mentally ill lately.
Cut to the pound, where most people show up wearing jeans, but Jenny is sitting there in some short little black dress. She forgets that she gave the pound lady a fake name before replying “Oh, me. Yeah, Debbie’s my name!” when she brings a dog to show Jenny. So “Debbie” is apparently taking in a “super old” dog in her final days. The dog has cataracts, tumors, incontinence and Jenny’s going to take her home. Jenny thinks the dog likes her, and I guess if dogs vomiting glow in the dark slime on your shoes mean they like you… it’s a match made in heaven! It wasn’t apparent to me yet why the heck she was doing this and using a fake name. We’ll find out later.
Papi and Alice are talking at the Planet. Papi is so thin that she has to constantly pull her pants up. Papi asks who Alice is hitting it with lately and Alice says Papi doesn’t know her. Papi asks if she’s good, which is kind of a weird question. Alice’s reply: “Yeah. sh-good. Different. Different. Good. She was good. She was great.” Which meant that she sucked. Why did Alice hook up with Pyllis, anyway? The verboten factor? Anyway, Alice asks where is a good place to meet girls. Papi says, “We couldn’t think of a title for this episode that started with an ‘L’, so on Sunday nights a bunch of dykes go play basketball, and that’s where I meet the hundreds of women I’ve slept with.” That’s not an exact quote. Papi invites Alice to come play, but encourages her to bring her own team. Then, when Alice says she can bring her friends and they could be a team, Papi scoffs at her and suggests the team name: “The Bourgie Ass Girls.” For some reason, Papi is still fixated on Shane and calls her Shame and Vanilla Spice. They start trash talking each other and Alice calls the court a field. Hee! I love Alice.
Phyllis is walking in slo mo through the halls on campus while listening to “Music To Watch Girls By.” Hilarious! Also, it’s windy in the hallways so she looks extra breezy. A young, blond chick leans over and drinks out of the water fountain, a fierce older woman catches her eye, two young things lean against the wall talking to each other. Oh the possibilities! The music stops with a record scratch as she runs into Bette. Phyllis is uber delightful. Bette notices that Pyllis is glowing and asks if she’s done something different with her hair. Pretty funny. Bette asks for advice on how to handle the donor coming in and Phyllis tells Bette to kiss. his. ass. because he’s not been donating any money since some performance art fiasco. Apparently he’s pretty conservative. They chit chat a little more and then Phyllis tells Bette that she has something to tell her at lunch. She’s like a little kid wanting to tell a secret! Bette mentions Phyllis’ radiation and walks away. Phyllis bursts out that she just hopes she doesn’t end up on ourchart! Bette starts to tell her that she can’t end up on ourchart unless… Phyllis skips away with a wave and a hilarious look on her face. Bette walks away: “Fuck me.”
Kit is going over photos of herself, I guess to use on her upcoming album. Mangus stands behind her, his eyes practically rolling out of his head. He’s still not over being dumped by his band for being old and decrepit. Kit comforts him. Mangus is still pouty. Kit perks him up a little by telling him that she’s going to record the song he wrote for her called “Bareback.” Which really is nasty, if it means what i think it means… I mean, that’s fine I guess… to each their own, but should Kit really record a song about that!?
Alice is in the bathroom. More specifically, on the toilet. I didn’t pick up on this immediately. Nice strategically placed bottles in the foreground. I mean… all I could think about was, you have to be a pretty committed actor to film that. I admit to having talked on the phone while on the toilet before, but I am paranoid the whole time. It’s not worth the worry and the extra talking to cover the tinkle. I didn’t even know what the conversation was about in this scene because I was so fixated on the toilet ritual. She used a lot of toilet paper. I think I counted seven revolutions around the roll. Loved her little “Yay!” after she hung up. I was worried that the phone would fall in!
Bette sneaks up on and scares the living daylights out of Jodi, who is deaf and wielding power tools. God, I love Marlee Matlin. Did you see her for two seconds while she signed the national anthem before the Super Bowl? She’ll always be Joey Lucas to me. She looks pretty hot in her little flight uniform, but I don’t really care for the new Kenny’s shirt. Bette learns the proper etiquette for conversation and then asks her to make a controversial piece less visible for the conservative donor’s visit. Bette should get it on with Jodi, don’t you think? Jodi sort of agrees to help Bette although it sounded pretty non-committal to me. Jodi’s Kenny signs something that is probably crude as Bette walks away. I wish I knew ASL!
Jenny is driving some convertible with the huge super old dog on her lap. She looks like she can only see the top of the windshield as she’s driving. The dog is totally in the way and she can’t see the road. Actually, the dog is so huge, that you can’t even really see Jenny’s face throughout the whole scene. She seems to be allergic to the dog. She makes an emergency appointment with a vet, Dr. Scott.
Max, in all his six-figure glory, is now into eating that food that he had such a hard time with back when he first got to LA. He is eating lunch with the boss’ daughter, but something’s on his mind. She makes some comment about “needing her meat” and Max decides he needs to come out to her in the middle of the restaurant. Okay, bad decision number one: deciding to date the boss’ daughter when she thinks you’re biologically a dude! Bad decision number two: telling her the truth in a restaurant with no real preparation. Good for Max, finally being honest with her, but dude… plan it out a little better. I felt bad for him. She storms out, calling him a freak.
Conservative donor dude is touring the campus with Bette. They run into Jodi and, with a giant grin on her face, she greets him and tells him to look around. Looming over their shoulders and revealed as Jodi walks away is this life size Barbara Bush… thing. The look on the donor’s face is awesome. Bette has a conversation with Jodi and Jodi tells her that she’s not going to capitulate. Meanwhile, the donor stands in the background just staring at that Bush thing. Silly. Pissed off Joey is cute too. Jodi explains the art piece to the donor, he calls it an abomination. Bette tries to kiss his ass. The donor dude isn’t buying what she’s selling. Jodi gives Bette advice and Bette gets snippy. Just kiss her and it’ll all feel better!
Debbie Oxnard and her dog, Sounder, are at the vet. I still hadn’t picked up on what the heck Jenny was doing. She rescues an old dog just to take it to the vet to put it down? Huh? Anyway, everyone is eager to put ol’ Sounder to sleep although she looks pretty bright eyed. The vet tells her that the dog’s eyes are swollen. How about some cucumbers? Is this a ploy to pick up a chick? She’s a little flirty. How odd that she would go through this charade on the off chance that she’d end up seeing a lesbian vet… oh no. On goes the light bulb. The vet shows her a picture of her whole family and it includes her girlfriend Stacy, the chick who wrote the nasty book review in Curve magazine. Seriously? Crazy Jenny is back. Sigh.
Alice is trying to teach Helena how to play basketball in the hallway of their apartment. “It’s like you’re drying your nails.” Rachel Shelley has a long torso! Oooh and she has some nicely toned arms… Phyllis stops by to drop off a little present, some CD that I guess would make her seem old? Alice didn’t know who she was and I didn’t either. Phyllis suggests that they could listen to it “next time.” Phyllis mentions that she’s desperate to find a caterer for next week’s fundraiser. Alice tells Phyllis that Helena is a caterer. Why? Why are they doing this to the show? Helena asks why she did that and then asks if this is the person responsible for all the noise the other night. I had assumed that they were at Phyllis’ place because who would be making all that noise in an itty bitty apartment with a roommate!? Discourteous.
Mangus is at the house with Dido the nanny. She flirts shamelessly and Mangus, being a man, and being on this show… doesn’t laugh at her. You know? If someone said, “You’re too hot to be a poppa” around me, I’d laugh my butt off at them. What kind of a pick up line is that?
The girls are all shopping for shoes in preparation for the basketball beat down. Kit is at Foot Locker trying on gold lamé tennis shoes. She’s trying to fit her size ten gigantic woman foot in a size nine. Honey, your shoe size just doesn’t matter! Kit tells Jenny that she loves her, but she smells like a dog. Kit and Shane lean in and sniff her. Jenny says, “Well, it’s because I’ve been working out; you know, getting ready for the big game.”
Bette is teaching a class. Nadia is being a pain in the butt and talking too much while making references to spending time with Bette outside of class. Nadia reaches to touch Bette’s booty when she walks by and pretends that she was trying to get her attention to let her know that time was up. Lolita! Bette ends class and asks for Nadia to stay behind. Nadia flirts but Bette shoots her down like a buddy’s face at a Cheny hunting get together. Nadia gets it, calls her Dean Porter, and we know we’re in for some disciplinary action soon… Way to go, Bette.
Shane is at the Back To School Night and stands in the back of the room playing with the chalkboard while the teacher speaks to the parents. The moms are catty and Shane overhears them. Another mom hears too and advises her to ignore them. Paige and Shane chat a bit. Paige is tall! Shane looks up to her. Rowr! The teacher introduces herself and explains that she thinks Shane should get Shay involved in some activities. Shane says she’s just filling in with him for a while and she’s not his real family. The teacher shows her a drawing that Shay made. On the wall, all the kids have drawn pictures of their families and Shay drew one with Shay and Shane holding hands and then mom and dad back on the hill in the background, unidentified. Shane is touched. It’s very sweet.
Bette is sitting with Alice, lecturing her about sleeping with Phyllis. Alice recruits Bette to play basketball and Bette says she isn’t into that competitive sport thing. Heh.
Time for basketball. Fierce WNBA type players are playing and up walks Team Bourgie in slo mo. What the hell is that on Jenny’s face? God, this cast is hilarious sometimes. Shane is disinterested and chewing on her nail. Bette’s cell phone is ringing. Kit gives a mean look. Helena just looks pretty. Jenny. WHAT IS ON HER FACE!? Plus she’s short. Alice is taller than she looks. Rowr! Alice gives a mean, competitive look. Max, as usual, will watch Shay. More trash talk between Papi and Alice. Papi tries to trash talk Shane and Shane just doesn’t care. I LOVE that. Tina comes running up for a little cameo appearance. She’s … going to play for the other team. Heh. Tina says she still identifies as a lesbian and Jenny and her terminator glasses give her a hard time. As much as I hate the Tina turning str8 thing, Jenny should just shut up and go be crazy. The basketball game starts. Hilarity ensues. Papi calls Bette “Rodeo Drive”, Jenny carries a coffee, Alice smacks some chick in the face and runs away, Bette bumps into Tina’s butt and Tina whines “Stop fouling me!” and Bette says “Stop travelling with the ball.” Shane calls Papi “Dad”, Bette gets super competitive, Kit’s feet hurt because of her too-small shoes, Papi calls Bette “Brown Barbie” and Bette calls her something Tropicana… Shay fall off his skateboard, so the fun is over.
The girls unwind at The Planet. Kit is complaining about her feet hurting and has her ICKY BARE FEET on the floor and in her hand! Blech. The talk about why the WNBA isn’t making any money. It’s not because they’re running away from their core audience. It’s that their core audience isn’t big enough or interested enough. Bette makes plans to practice because she’s all competitive about it now.
Shay broke his arm and is uninsured. Shane needs to figure out a way to pay for the bill. Apparently, she has no idea that medical procedures are expensive. So she decides to take the Bill Blass guy up on his offer to model. Pimpin’ herself out to pay for her boy’s bills. Gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Man, maybe she can save some money to buy a sammich. She is soooo thin. But muscular too. Rowr.
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